Jan. 23rd, 2012

sonneillonv: An Ye Harm None (Harm None)
I am not the world's most reliable Pagan, in practice. I don't always observe the holidays, I do little spellwork, I don't meditate (ADD makes it extremely difficult, but still a worthwhile pursuit, I wholeheartedly believe), and I don't make it to the conventions. I don't have Pagan friends who live close by, or a circle to go to, or even a UU church where I might get some sense of a community. At times, I feel the lack of these things very strongly. At the same time, I AM very much Pagan, in belief and outlook, but I feel as though some of my early Christian training has carried through to my Paganism... you can discern my paganism most clearly through my apologetics. My arguments betray my beliefs. My passionate debates, my occasional written rants, the articles I choose to link and the events I choose to discuss. Who I am is clear in the study of the media with which I interact. So I'm a modern woman, even if I lack the usual trappings of an iPhone and e-reader.

I talk and I write. I talk with more consistency than I write, as my friends circle can attest. I also cast the runes and use my characters as meditation guides because frankly some of them are better at it than I am. I try to celebrate my holidays and I am disappointed when they rarely turn out very well. I try to observe the occasional natural event, I do small, simple spells with yarn and stitching and candles and stones and drawing in the dirt. I am Pagan enough, certainly, but a lot of the time I really miss having the support of my community. I miss being part of a coven, which is an experience I've actually never had. I miss the classes I never took. I miss the guided meditations that never happened and the conventions that passed me by. I miss the relationships.

Patheos helps. Days like this I sit and read every pagan column I have in my bookmarks and their archives. I put Emerald Rose on Youtube and reserve a few books from the library to brush up on a few areas of interest. If I'm honest with myself, I'm afraid of joining the community because I'm afraid my distracted kitchen witchery isn't really pagan enough. I don't know enough about the tarot, I don't have enough of the buzzwords down. I can't meld seamlessly with this community like I can with the Christian community, for which I have strong cultural context.

Or maybe I could, but I don't know.

No, this post isn't going anywhere, really. I just haven't written anything in a while and this was what was on my mind.


sonneillonv: (Default)

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